Ripples.

I know I am not alone in saying that i like Christmas. It is in fact, my favorite holiday. Like others, i have several reasons why i like Christmas.

I like the cold breeze that it brings. I like walking around the not so busy streets and feeling the wind on my face. it makes me feel like i am surrounded by all of the most cherished and loveliest memories i have. i like sleeping and waking up with that Christmas-sy feel in the air.:)

I like seeing Christmas decorations. Next to a lantern, Christmas lights are my favorite. i like how they stand out in the dark and how they make the night seemed a little brighter without being too loud about it.

And just like a kid, i like seeing presents under the Christmas tree. presents that come in different sizes and shapes with the colorful gift wrappers and ribbons. I remember spending holidays at the "old house" and feeling excited as i, my brother and cousins go through the pile of presents and look for our names.

The food. i like eating with family and friends. actually, i think i enjoy it so much because i have associated eating with chitchats. i grew up spending hours on the dining table just listening and exchanging stories with my family. this mostly happens on a weekend when everybody can afford to spend longer time on the table and of course, it happens on holidays. but for some reason, i don't remember much of it happening during noche buena. probably because by midnight we all feel tired. tired because we've spent the whole 24th preparing for midnight. we clean the house, we cook, and of course, we talk. and eventually, i came to realize that, that's the highlight of our holiday - everybody being home, working together, preparing, and chatting; our togetherness was the essence of our Christmas.

I also like it that during this holiday, everybody gets the license to feel sentimental. i would say that i am a sentimental person. i get attached to things, people, events and memories. i think a lot, i reflect a lot, i even have the habit of rewinding the events of my day. and i think it is not just me but most people tend to feel more sentimental during the Christmas season for several reasons. to me, it's because of the cold breeze, the Christmas lights, because it reminds me that the year is about to finish, and some parts of it, because the holidays give way for a lot of get together's among family and friends.

Having said that, i guess my sentimental button have just been switched on. it is that time of the year when i think about where i am in my life right now, how much have changed and did not change, how much have i learned and did not learn. sometimes we find ourselves wondering how different our lives would have been if only we did some things differently. but the past days, i was thinking, if only i did some things differently, how much would that have changed other people's life? most especially the people that were directly [or indirectly] affected because of the decisions and choices i've made. i cannot say that my life or their life would have been better but i'm sure it would have been different.

Right now, it may be a little too late and it may already be pointless to be thinking about that because as they say, things have already been said and done but at least it is not too late to a realize that no matter how much we think that the choices we make changes only us, apparently, it is never the case. i would like to believe that just like in a body of water, even a single dew drop, no matter how small it is, will create a ripple, it will create movement; the change may be little, it may be big, it may be discreet, it may be obvious but one thing is for sure, that body of water will never, ever be the same again because of single dew drop - because of us.

the odd crayon.

whether we admit it or not, everyone just wants to belong. even the toughest, meanest person you know also wants that. people may cast an image of independence, ruggedness, being free-spirited, being quirky alone, being weird, being extraordinary responsible, maybe even being indifferent; it can come in different forms but in their being alone, when the rest of the world goes to sleep, as they lie in bed alone in the dimmed-light four corners of their room, they wonder - when will i belong?

people, books, preachers, friends, they all tell us that there is someone out there for each person. some even say that until we find that perfect match, we are like angels who can't fly because we're missing a wing. they say that by default, we are meant to end up with someone to journey this life together with. and those who journey alone, that's because the choices they have made, led them to that road.

so where do we find this perfect match? i wish i knew. if i did, i would generously spread the word. if there were steps to follow or a map to it, i'll reproduce copies of it and give it out to the world, having my friends on the top list. but i don't. so like you, i journey through this life hoping i would stumble into that "magic".


its funny that i found myself talking to God one morning saying, i hope we (my match and i) find each other soon then i stopped and thought what if God forgot to make one for me? is that possible? nah, couldn't be because God would never forget....but what if there is, but someone beat me to it?! --panic! and, my perfect remedy for that is to brush those thoughts away and go on with my daily task --relax.


i just find comfort in trusting that i would eventually find that one for me. the one that i was talking about in my previous post. the one who would make me braver than usual, enough for me to take that risk (again). because as time passes, building walls that protect me from getting hurt gets a little tiring too. true that its a whole lot of work putting myself together after some guy make me believe that we're on the same page and then decides to disappear, or changes his mind, or turns out to be a monster and then breaks my heart into pieces but i think...someone would come along and everything i've been through would be worth it because after all, it managed to lead him to me and when that happens, i wont have to be the only odd crayon standing amongst those who've found their magic.

six:58

this time, i got it right.

this time, i got it right. originally posted on 29 july 2009. one of those "inspired" moments, i guess. 

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In our world of wrong choices, someday, someone will come into your world that will make you say “this time, I got it right.”

So hopeful – that quote is.

But inspiring, I must say.

Wouldn’t it be so great to finally meet that someone that can make you say: “this time, I got it right.”?

In my twenty-plus years of existence, I’ve been surrounded by different life and love stories. Some with a happy ending; some without; some almost but not quite; some are unfinished and some are just about to be written. Being around their stories have given me a notion that relationships are indeed a tricky deal. You give. You invest. You live. You love. There’s a chance that you’ll be happy and there’s a chance that you’ll get hurt. But like what the quote says, someday, someone would come along who would want you to take that risk. You would find yourself braver than usual. You would be willing to take everything that comes along with it – the good, the bad and the ugly. *wink wink* This person would make you jump right in to that tricky deal even if you’ve sworn not to because you’ve been hurt and burnt a lot of times.

But let me warn you by saying that this person would not be perfect. He or she would not be everything that you’ve wished for. This person will not be able to tick all the boxes that you’ve written on your “standards-list”. This person will have flaws like all of us do and they will have traits and perhaps habits that are not so adorable but you wont mind. You will be able to embrace this person. Not with eyes shut. Not blindly. Your eyes will be open and you will see their flaws and yet you would be able to see beyond those traits because to you, in your heart of hearts, he or she is perfect in his or her own way. It’s not going to be like the dreamy kind of love where you walk on clouds, with petals falling, birds singing with an orchestra playing a mushy love song. This time, it would be the kind where your heart and mind comes together. This time, things will just have a way of balancing themselves off and at the end of the day, you would have that serene, settled and peaceful feeling inside – the kind that lets you know you got it right – the kind that makes you feel that more than finding the person that you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with,

you have found the person that you want to see everyday;
the person you want to and can talk to about anything and everything and never get bored;
the person that you can spend quiet time with;the person you can be crazy and goofy with, without feeling stupid;
the person that you will miss when they’re gone;
the person that you would want to come home too after a long day;
the person that can make you laugh;the person that lets you know and makes you feel that everything’s going to be okay when things are not so good;
the person who can make you want to be a better person;
the person that you would love despite and in spite of.

Now wouldn’t that be nice?

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comment/s:

felix - on august 31, 2009. 6:32am

Gelle, Great job!!! With the regards to writing ====> "This time, I got it Right" Hope you're okay!

no guarantees

no guarantees. written on 18 feb 2009 but posted 27th of that month.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com/ and my multiply account.

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There are no guarantees in life.

Lately, yan ang mga natatanggap ko na theme ng text at nappanood na tema ng movie; and for some reason, while I still have to finish the exam that I’m writing, I thought of why not take a break and write my thoughts down or should I say, type away – away from the textbook and notes that are here in front of me, haha! Besides, I’ve been slacking with regard to updating my blog; especially with writing on my journal, geesh! Anyway, before my thoughts wander off to a whole new topic — which is why I can’t seem to find time to do the things that I use to do given that I don’t have a “regular” job — I wanted to put my thoughts downs as to why or what the world around me right now is saying:

“Gelle, there are no guarantees in life.”

Probably the only guarantee that we have for sure are the ones that came along with your newly purchased appliance/s or services or classes that you signed up for – be a guaranteed A1 driver after 5 days! (hindi naman sa pag-p-promote) Or better yet, the guaranteed seats that you bought for the movie house…hmm…thinking it over, madami-dami naman din palang bagay sa buhay ang may guarantee — in fairness!

Now, the thing is, are they enough? Are they enough to make us happy? To make us feel contented? Yun naman! Yun ang problema. Ang tao kasi gusto maging masaya well, hindi ko naman masisi kasi sino ba naman ang ayaw maging masaya diba? Kaya, sige, hayaan natin silang mangarap — “sila” talaga? Parang hindi ako kasali? o sige, lets rephrase, mangarap tayong maging masaya :D ayan. happy? yes? o eh happy na pala eh. okay na!:) yehey! well, sana nga eh ganun lang kadali ang buhay pero hinde. We have to work [hard] if we want to achieve something. If we want to lose weight, if we want money, if we want to get promoted, if we want to go places, if we want to meet someone, if we want to be liked, if we want to be happy, and a lot more, we have to do some “work” for all of those to be realized. Haay. Iniisip ko pa lang, parang nakakatamad na! But if we want something [or someone *wink, wink*] real bad, we would be willing and we would even be glad to do the extra work and walk the extra mile.

So what makes you happy? Kahit yung top 5 lang. Sige, isip ka muna habang nag-iisip din ako…ano nga ba? Hmm…

O, meron na? Alam mo na yung sayo? Game. O dba? Parang Family Feud lang? haha :D

Without making a formal survey, I would guess, family, career, love life, good health and riches would include your list – at least one of those is included, tama?

Among those that I mentioned, love life might be, if not the most, one of the trickiest. Why do I say that? Well, because there are no guarantees in life. I mean, if you studied well and worked hard enough, you will more likely have a good chance at making your career bloom and eventually, have enough riches for you to be financially stable; if you lived a healthy life, more likely you would be healthy; but even if you work on being the “best” version of yourself, if its not the right time to find “the one”, you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it; or even if you become the most ideal partner, stay good, remain loyal, give everything possible to make a relationship work, if you’re love life is bound to falter, it would — if you’re bound to get hurt, you would — just because there are no guarantees in life.

So what’s left for you to do? Stay away from romantic relationships! haha :D

Feb 18, 2009 5:07p.m. joke lang! Kasi sabi nga ng text na natanggap ko kahit daw umiwas tayo dun at piliing maging single, wala pa ring katiyakan na hindi ka na masasaktan. Naman diba?! Bakit naman ganun?! Well, I guess because at the end of the day, it still boils down to taking chances — chances and risks are not exactly my favorite words simply because it has there-are-no-guarantees-in-life written all over it. But I guess if we take risks with our faith and God as our guide, we can’t go wrong. After all, even with the glaring no-guarantees-in-life-signage everywhere, God is the only guaranteed anchor and mentor that we can depend on — 24/7, 365 days.

[in-dif-fer-ence]

[in-dif-fer-ence]. originally posted on 19 december 2008

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i have always believed that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.” - Ellie Wiesel

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indifference is a noun that means: the quality or state of fact of being indifferent. hmm…i think that didn’t help much :) but maybe if we provide what indifferent means it would make a difference. so, indifferent is an adjective which means: having no particular interest or concern; having no marked feeling for or against; not mattering one way or the other; or being neither good nor bad. it would be cool to tell you that i’ve thought of all those definitions but i didn’t. :) that was taken from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionaryhttp://www.answers.com. and should we elaborate more, the thesaurus would bring us these bunch of words: without emotion or interest; apathetic; detached; insensible; unconcerned; uninterested and unresponsive and you’re probably wondering why i am blabbering about what indifference is. well, its just that once again, i have proven that i can be indifferent about issues that used to affect me so much and it is such a nice feeling. not being affected whatsoever. not being bitter but at the same time, not being happy either. just a steady mode.i guess there are some things, some people [more often] that we would just become indifferent to and i am not sure if it is safe to say that being indifferent could be one of the best feeling that we could ever feel [well at least, to me it is]; most especially if the case was, you were broken because of that certain circumstance and after much struggle, you were able to swim rather than sink.

recently, i visited or should i say, revisited a familiar memory - a phase in my life that was full of unpleasant memories [more than good ones]. i did that to perhaps check how i am with regard to that memory. i was checking how much i’ve healed. how far i’ve gone since i’ve started sailing on - and i was so happy to find out that at the end of that exercise (yikes! that sounded so technical! haha), i’ve realized that i’ve gone so far. i’ve healed so much. and my primary indicator was, my indifference. the feeling that i couldn’t care less anymore. i was feeling neither good or bad. i have no marked feelings. i was unresponsive. i was “just steady”.

now i can boldly say - i am done with you. i am finished. i am done making excuses just so you can be acceptable in my head. i may not have full forgiven myself for the mistakes i’ve made but i will get there. i’m getting there. you are now just part of the crowd. you don’t stand out. you wont stand out. you’re sort of like the generic kind of memory that is stored in my head, taking up space that is as good as a price tag of a ridiculous item that i wont even buy or that i would barely remember. it’s over. i am free.

*sighs* - a good sigh

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comment/s:

072581 - on January 11th, 2009 at 6:14 pm

good job :)

at 26

at 26. originally posted on 24 november 2008

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one of the benefits of working far from the city - on the way home, you have a lot of time to be alone with your thoughts and wander off in time.

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its 425pm and im at the accounting office, getting my cheque and payslip when sir, passed a comment, “you look so young, how old are you?” and flattered, i said “26 po, thank you.” and i guess to flatter me some more, he said, “you look like you’re just 18″ and again, i thanked him. i walked away (smiling, of course) but started thinking, that’s right, im 26 - i may look younger (thanks to my genes) but i have been occupying space and borrowing 26 years of life from God now. i know that it can be taken away from me as soon as my time is up. and i could only do and hope so much that i was able to live a meaningful life and learn enough about life.

so what have i learned? well, at 26, i learned that…

…even if someone hurt you, it still doesn’t give you the right to hurt him/her back.
…some things are just not meant to be.
…not being able to sustain anger for a long time can be a gift.
…patience is a virtue.
…in relationships, be brave to look at, recognize and deal with red flags when you see one.
…laughter is vital. i realized that i could never be with someone whom i cannot laugh with and cannot make me laugh.
…being trusting is good but you have to choose who you trust. good actors (and actresses) do exist.
…as much as actors and actresses exist, real friends exist as well. have a keen eye and heart and you will bump into them.
…prayers doesn’t get everything done but it helps a great deal in making things all better.
…we should never stop singing or dancing - whatever works for you.
…never let anyone change who you really are, if they love you they will embrace you warts and all.
…its difficult to put your heart and spirit together when broken, so take caution. beware of people who are mean.

to be continued…

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comment/s:

Rob T. said, on November 29th, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Hehe, these are very wise words, Ms Gelle! :) It kinda reminds me of what I tell myself…always make sure you have a little ‘you time’ each day, whether it means to laugh, sing, be goofy, conscientious…whatever it may be.

ang pasko ay sumapit nanaman

ang pasko ay sumapit nanaman. originally posted  on 19 november 2008.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com/

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pambihira. patapos nanaman ang taon (well, at least in a couple of months or so). parang kailan lang eh kakasimula lang ng 2008, at ngayon eh, nalilito na ako kung ‘08 ba o ‘09 na. sabi nga ng isa kong friend, there must be something about 2009 that i’m looking forward to. ;) hmm…a lot actually. :) o pwede din naman na, para sa kin, natapos na ang 2008 bago pa man talga natapos ang taon.

parang kailan lang din eh pasko lang tapos pasko nanaman. not that im complaining, because Christmas is my favorite holiday .:) favorite ko Christmasand for some reason, may lisensya kang maging senti. well, pwede ka din naman magsintemyento kahit hindi Pasko pero iba kasi pag Pasko eh; tsaka ang mga tao, pagbibigyan ka kasi…regalo na nila sa’yo yun. ;)
 

kadalasan, pag patapos na ang taon, napapaisip ka kung ano bang nangyari sa’yo nung nakaraang taon. sulit ba? nagawa mo ba yung mga dapat gawin? nakuha mo ba yung mga gusto mo? napuntahan mo ba yung gusto mo puntahan? na-dispatsa mo ba yung mga ayaw mo? natupad ba ang new year’s resolution na sinulat at itinaga mo sa bato (o cork board) nung nagsisimula pa lang ang taon? at shempre, pagkatapos mong maisip lahat yan, marahil madami ang magpapatawa sayo, magpapangiti o kaya naman eh may ilan-ilan na makakapag-pasikip ng damdamin dahil sa inis. pero kung meron man akong natutunan sa buhay, isa dun ay ang pagtanggap na lahat ng pinagdaraanan natin eh parte ng buhay. ang mga bagay-bagay ay magsisimula, dumaraan at natatapos. kung pano matatapos, ikaw lang at panahon ang nakakaalam. ang importante, mas mabuting tao ka na pagkatapos mong pagdaanan ang mga pangyayari at pagkakataon sa buhay mo. at dahil dun, mapapa-muni-muni ka uli. ano ang kailangan kong baguhin? ano ang kailangan kong ipagbuti? ano ang mga bagay na gusto kong manatili? sa madali’t salita…magiisip ka nanaman ng new year’s resolution (pero shempre this time around, hindi mo na sha tatawaging new year’s resolution para walang pressure tsaka para hindi corny ang dating) at mangangako ka (uli) na ngayong taon na darating, tutuparin mo talga yung ipapaskil mo sa cork board ng kwarto o mesa mo.
kasi iba yung simoy Pasko.
 

for starters, sa darating na taon, susubukan kong pagbutihin ang hindi pagsasalita ng tag-lish o eng-galog. kung ingles, ingles (yikes!) kung tagalog, tagalog (yun naman!). sa mga iba ko pang gustong gawin, at ayusin sa buhay ko…iisipin ko sila pag mas malapit na ang pasko o di naman kaya eh sa gitna ng ingay sa bagong taon na. ;) hmm…hindi kaya dapat ko na din pagtuunan ng pansin ang pagp-procrastinate ko? hahaha


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comments:

angel -- on December 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm

hello shombs..
pde ka na magsulat ng book..ako unang bibili!!!!
i love you and i miss you so much! kita kita na tau nina emily…now na! hahahaha…see you very soon ha?