Ripples.

I know I am not alone in saying that i like Christmas. It is in fact, my favorite holiday. Like others, i have several reasons why i like Christmas.

I like the cold breeze that it brings. I like walking around the not so busy streets and feeling the wind on my face. it makes me feel like i am surrounded by all of the most cherished and loveliest memories i have. i like sleeping and waking up with that Christmas-sy feel in the air.:)

I like seeing Christmas decorations. Next to a lantern, Christmas lights are my favorite. i like how they stand out in the dark and how they make the night seemed a little brighter without being too loud about it.

And just like a kid, i like seeing presents under the Christmas tree. presents that come in different sizes and shapes with the colorful gift wrappers and ribbons. I remember spending holidays at the "old house" and feeling excited as i, my brother and cousins go through the pile of presents and look for our names.

The food. i like eating with family and friends. actually, i think i enjoy it so much because i have associated eating with chitchats. i grew up spending hours on the dining table just listening and exchanging stories with my family. this mostly happens on a weekend when everybody can afford to spend longer time on the table and of course, it happens on holidays. but for some reason, i don't remember much of it happening during noche buena. probably because by midnight we all feel tired. tired because we've spent the whole 24th preparing for midnight. we clean the house, we cook, and of course, we talk. and eventually, i came to realize that, that's the highlight of our holiday - everybody being home, working together, preparing, and chatting; our togetherness was the essence of our Christmas.

I also like it that during this holiday, everybody gets the license to feel sentimental. i would say that i am a sentimental person. i get attached to things, people, events and memories. i think a lot, i reflect a lot, i even have the habit of rewinding the events of my day. and i think it is not just me but most people tend to feel more sentimental during the Christmas season for several reasons. to me, it's because of the cold breeze, the Christmas lights, because it reminds me that the year is about to finish, and some parts of it, because the holidays give way for a lot of get together's among family and friends.

Having said that, i guess my sentimental button have just been switched on. it is that time of the year when i think about where i am in my life right now, how much have changed and did not change, how much have i learned and did not learn. sometimes we find ourselves wondering how different our lives would have been if only we did some things differently. but the past days, i was thinking, if only i did some things differently, how much would that have changed other people's life? most especially the people that were directly [or indirectly] affected because of the decisions and choices i've made. i cannot say that my life or their life would have been better but i'm sure it would have been different.

Right now, it may be a little too late and it may already be pointless to be thinking about that because as they say, things have already been said and done but at least it is not too late to a realize that no matter how much we think that the choices we make changes only us, apparently, it is never the case. i would like to believe that just like in a body of water, even a single dew drop, no matter how small it is, will create a ripple, it will create movement; the change may be little, it may be big, it may be discreet, it may be obvious but one thing is for sure, that body of water will never, ever be the same again because of single dew drop - because of us.

the odd crayon.

whether we admit it or not, everyone just wants to belong. even the toughest, meanest person you know also wants that. people may cast an image of independence, ruggedness, being free-spirited, being quirky alone, being weird, being extraordinary responsible, maybe even being indifferent; it can come in different forms but in their being alone, when the rest of the world goes to sleep, as they lie in bed alone in the dimmed-light four corners of their room, they wonder - when will i belong?

people, books, preachers, friends, they all tell us that there is someone out there for each person. some even say that until we find that perfect match, we are like angels who can't fly because we're missing a wing. they say that by default, we are meant to end up with someone to journey this life together with. and those who journey alone, that's because the choices they have made, led them to that road.

so where do we find this perfect match? i wish i knew. if i did, i would generously spread the word. if there were steps to follow or a map to it, i'll reproduce copies of it and give it out to the world, having my friends on the top list. but i don't. so like you, i journey through this life hoping i would stumble into that "magic".


its funny that i found myself talking to God one morning saying, i hope we (my match and i) find each other soon then i stopped and thought what if God forgot to make one for me? is that possible? nah, couldn't be because God would never forget....but what if there is, but someone beat me to it?! --panic! and, my perfect remedy for that is to brush those thoughts away and go on with my daily task --relax.


i just find comfort in trusting that i would eventually find that one for me. the one that i was talking about in my previous post. the one who would make me braver than usual, enough for me to take that risk (again). because as time passes, building walls that protect me from getting hurt gets a little tiring too. true that its a whole lot of work putting myself together after some guy make me believe that we're on the same page and then decides to disappear, or changes his mind, or turns out to be a monster and then breaks my heart into pieces but i think...someone would come along and everything i've been through would be worth it because after all, it managed to lead him to me and when that happens, i wont have to be the only odd crayon standing amongst those who've found their magic.

six:58

this time, i got it right.

this time, i got it right. originally posted on 29 july 2009. one of those "inspired" moments, i guess. 

* * *

In our world of wrong choices, someday, someone will come into your world that will make you say “this time, I got it right.”

So hopeful – that quote is.

But inspiring, I must say.

Wouldn’t it be so great to finally meet that someone that can make you say: “this time, I got it right.”?

In my twenty-plus years of existence, I’ve been surrounded by different life and love stories. Some with a happy ending; some without; some almost but not quite; some are unfinished and some are just about to be written. Being around their stories have given me a notion that relationships are indeed a tricky deal. You give. You invest. You live. You love. There’s a chance that you’ll be happy and there’s a chance that you’ll get hurt. But like what the quote says, someday, someone would come along who would want you to take that risk. You would find yourself braver than usual. You would be willing to take everything that comes along with it – the good, the bad and the ugly. *wink wink* This person would make you jump right in to that tricky deal even if you’ve sworn not to because you’ve been hurt and burnt a lot of times.

But let me warn you by saying that this person would not be perfect. He or she would not be everything that you’ve wished for. This person will not be able to tick all the boxes that you’ve written on your “standards-list”. This person will have flaws like all of us do and they will have traits and perhaps habits that are not so adorable but you wont mind. You will be able to embrace this person. Not with eyes shut. Not blindly. Your eyes will be open and you will see their flaws and yet you would be able to see beyond those traits because to you, in your heart of hearts, he or she is perfect in his or her own way. It’s not going to be like the dreamy kind of love where you walk on clouds, with petals falling, birds singing with an orchestra playing a mushy love song. This time, it would be the kind where your heart and mind comes together. This time, things will just have a way of balancing themselves off and at the end of the day, you would have that serene, settled and peaceful feeling inside – the kind that lets you know you got it right – the kind that makes you feel that more than finding the person that you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with,

you have found the person that you want to see everyday;
the person you want to and can talk to about anything and everything and never get bored;
the person that you can spend quiet time with;the person you can be crazy and goofy with, without feeling stupid;
the person that you will miss when they’re gone;
the person that you would want to come home too after a long day;
the person that can make you laugh;the person that lets you know and makes you feel that everything’s going to be okay when things are not so good;
the person who can make you want to be a better person;
the person that you would love despite and in spite of.

Now wouldn’t that be nice?

* * *

comment/s:

felix - on august 31, 2009. 6:32am

Gelle, Great job!!! With the regards to writing ====> "This time, I got it Right" Hope you're okay!

no guarantees

no guarantees. written on 18 feb 2009 but posted 27th of that month.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com/ and my multiply account.

* * *

There are no guarantees in life.

Lately, yan ang mga natatanggap ko na theme ng text at nappanood na tema ng movie; and for some reason, while I still have to finish the exam that I’m writing, I thought of why not take a break and write my thoughts down or should I say, type away – away from the textbook and notes that are here in front of me, haha! Besides, I’ve been slacking with regard to updating my blog; especially with writing on my journal, geesh! Anyway, before my thoughts wander off to a whole new topic — which is why I can’t seem to find time to do the things that I use to do given that I don’t have a “regular” job — I wanted to put my thoughts downs as to why or what the world around me right now is saying:

“Gelle, there are no guarantees in life.”

Probably the only guarantee that we have for sure are the ones that came along with your newly purchased appliance/s or services or classes that you signed up for – be a guaranteed A1 driver after 5 days! (hindi naman sa pag-p-promote) Or better yet, the guaranteed seats that you bought for the movie house…hmm…thinking it over, madami-dami naman din palang bagay sa buhay ang may guarantee — in fairness!

Now, the thing is, are they enough? Are they enough to make us happy? To make us feel contented? Yun naman! Yun ang problema. Ang tao kasi gusto maging masaya well, hindi ko naman masisi kasi sino ba naman ang ayaw maging masaya diba? Kaya, sige, hayaan natin silang mangarap — “sila” talaga? Parang hindi ako kasali? o sige, lets rephrase, mangarap tayong maging masaya :D ayan. happy? yes? o eh happy na pala eh. okay na!:) yehey! well, sana nga eh ganun lang kadali ang buhay pero hinde. We have to work [hard] if we want to achieve something. If we want to lose weight, if we want money, if we want to get promoted, if we want to go places, if we want to meet someone, if we want to be liked, if we want to be happy, and a lot more, we have to do some “work” for all of those to be realized. Haay. Iniisip ko pa lang, parang nakakatamad na! But if we want something [or someone *wink, wink*] real bad, we would be willing and we would even be glad to do the extra work and walk the extra mile.

So what makes you happy? Kahit yung top 5 lang. Sige, isip ka muna habang nag-iisip din ako…ano nga ba? Hmm…

O, meron na? Alam mo na yung sayo? Game. O dba? Parang Family Feud lang? haha :D

Without making a formal survey, I would guess, family, career, love life, good health and riches would include your list – at least one of those is included, tama?

Among those that I mentioned, love life might be, if not the most, one of the trickiest. Why do I say that? Well, because there are no guarantees in life. I mean, if you studied well and worked hard enough, you will more likely have a good chance at making your career bloom and eventually, have enough riches for you to be financially stable; if you lived a healthy life, more likely you would be healthy; but even if you work on being the “best” version of yourself, if its not the right time to find “the one”, you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it; or even if you become the most ideal partner, stay good, remain loyal, give everything possible to make a relationship work, if you’re love life is bound to falter, it would — if you’re bound to get hurt, you would — just because there are no guarantees in life.

So what’s left for you to do? Stay away from romantic relationships! haha :D

Feb 18, 2009 5:07p.m. joke lang! Kasi sabi nga ng text na natanggap ko kahit daw umiwas tayo dun at piliing maging single, wala pa ring katiyakan na hindi ka na masasaktan. Naman diba?! Bakit naman ganun?! Well, I guess because at the end of the day, it still boils down to taking chances — chances and risks are not exactly my favorite words simply because it has there-are-no-guarantees-in-life written all over it. But I guess if we take risks with our faith and God as our guide, we can’t go wrong. After all, even with the glaring no-guarantees-in-life-signage everywhere, God is the only guaranteed anchor and mentor that we can depend on — 24/7, 365 days.

[in-dif-fer-ence]

[in-dif-fer-ence]. originally posted on 19 december 2008

* * *

i have always believed that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.” - Ellie Wiesel

* * *
indifference is a noun that means: the quality or state of fact of being indifferent. hmm…i think that didn’t help much :) but maybe if we provide what indifferent means it would make a difference. so, indifferent is an adjective which means: having no particular interest or concern; having no marked feeling for or against; not mattering one way or the other; or being neither good nor bad. it would be cool to tell you that i’ve thought of all those definitions but i didn’t. :) that was taken from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionaryhttp://www.answers.com. and should we elaborate more, the thesaurus would bring us these bunch of words: without emotion or interest; apathetic; detached; insensible; unconcerned; uninterested and unresponsive and you’re probably wondering why i am blabbering about what indifference is. well, its just that once again, i have proven that i can be indifferent about issues that used to affect me so much and it is such a nice feeling. not being affected whatsoever. not being bitter but at the same time, not being happy either. just a steady mode.i guess there are some things, some people [more often] that we would just become indifferent to and i am not sure if it is safe to say that being indifferent could be one of the best feeling that we could ever feel [well at least, to me it is]; most especially if the case was, you were broken because of that certain circumstance and after much struggle, you were able to swim rather than sink.

recently, i visited or should i say, revisited a familiar memory - a phase in my life that was full of unpleasant memories [more than good ones]. i did that to perhaps check how i am with regard to that memory. i was checking how much i’ve healed. how far i’ve gone since i’ve started sailing on - and i was so happy to find out that at the end of that exercise (yikes! that sounded so technical! haha), i’ve realized that i’ve gone so far. i’ve healed so much. and my primary indicator was, my indifference. the feeling that i couldn’t care less anymore. i was feeling neither good or bad. i have no marked feelings. i was unresponsive. i was “just steady”.

now i can boldly say - i am done with you. i am finished. i am done making excuses just so you can be acceptable in my head. i may not have full forgiven myself for the mistakes i’ve made but i will get there. i’m getting there. you are now just part of the crowd. you don’t stand out. you wont stand out. you’re sort of like the generic kind of memory that is stored in my head, taking up space that is as good as a price tag of a ridiculous item that i wont even buy or that i would barely remember. it’s over. i am free.

*sighs* - a good sigh

* * *

comment/s:

072581 - on January 11th, 2009 at 6:14 pm

good job :)

at 26

at 26. originally posted on 24 november 2008

* * *

one of the benefits of working far from the city - on the way home, you have a lot of time to be alone with your thoughts and wander off in time.

* * *

its 425pm and im at the accounting office, getting my cheque and payslip when sir, passed a comment, “you look so young, how old are you?” and flattered, i said “26 po, thank you.” and i guess to flatter me some more, he said, “you look like you’re just 18″ and again, i thanked him. i walked away (smiling, of course) but started thinking, that’s right, im 26 - i may look younger (thanks to my genes) but i have been occupying space and borrowing 26 years of life from God now. i know that it can be taken away from me as soon as my time is up. and i could only do and hope so much that i was able to live a meaningful life and learn enough about life.

so what have i learned? well, at 26, i learned that…

…even if someone hurt you, it still doesn’t give you the right to hurt him/her back.
…some things are just not meant to be.
…not being able to sustain anger for a long time can be a gift.
…patience is a virtue.
…in relationships, be brave to look at, recognize and deal with red flags when you see one.
…laughter is vital. i realized that i could never be with someone whom i cannot laugh with and cannot make me laugh.
…being trusting is good but you have to choose who you trust. good actors (and actresses) do exist.
…as much as actors and actresses exist, real friends exist as well. have a keen eye and heart and you will bump into them.
…prayers doesn’t get everything done but it helps a great deal in making things all better.
…we should never stop singing or dancing - whatever works for you.
…never let anyone change who you really are, if they love you they will embrace you warts and all.
…its difficult to put your heart and spirit together when broken, so take caution. beware of people who are mean.

to be continued…

* * *
comment/s:

Rob T. said, on November 29th, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Hehe, these are very wise words, Ms Gelle! :) It kinda reminds me of what I tell myself…always make sure you have a little ‘you time’ each day, whether it means to laugh, sing, be goofy, conscientious…whatever it may be.

ang pasko ay sumapit nanaman

ang pasko ay sumapit nanaman. originally posted  on 19 november 2008.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com/

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pambihira. patapos nanaman ang taon (well, at least in a couple of months or so). parang kailan lang eh kakasimula lang ng 2008, at ngayon eh, nalilito na ako kung ‘08 ba o ‘09 na. sabi nga ng isa kong friend, there must be something about 2009 that i’m looking forward to. ;) hmm…a lot actually. :) o pwede din naman na, para sa kin, natapos na ang 2008 bago pa man talga natapos ang taon.

parang kailan lang din eh pasko lang tapos pasko nanaman. not that im complaining, because Christmas is my favorite holiday .:) favorite ko Christmasand for some reason, may lisensya kang maging senti. well, pwede ka din naman magsintemyento kahit hindi Pasko pero iba kasi pag Pasko eh; tsaka ang mga tao, pagbibigyan ka kasi…regalo na nila sa’yo yun. ;)
 

kadalasan, pag patapos na ang taon, napapaisip ka kung ano bang nangyari sa’yo nung nakaraang taon. sulit ba? nagawa mo ba yung mga dapat gawin? nakuha mo ba yung mga gusto mo? napuntahan mo ba yung gusto mo puntahan? na-dispatsa mo ba yung mga ayaw mo? natupad ba ang new year’s resolution na sinulat at itinaga mo sa bato (o cork board) nung nagsisimula pa lang ang taon? at shempre, pagkatapos mong maisip lahat yan, marahil madami ang magpapatawa sayo, magpapangiti o kaya naman eh may ilan-ilan na makakapag-pasikip ng damdamin dahil sa inis. pero kung meron man akong natutunan sa buhay, isa dun ay ang pagtanggap na lahat ng pinagdaraanan natin eh parte ng buhay. ang mga bagay-bagay ay magsisimula, dumaraan at natatapos. kung pano matatapos, ikaw lang at panahon ang nakakaalam. ang importante, mas mabuting tao ka na pagkatapos mong pagdaanan ang mga pangyayari at pagkakataon sa buhay mo. at dahil dun, mapapa-muni-muni ka uli. ano ang kailangan kong baguhin? ano ang kailangan kong ipagbuti? ano ang mga bagay na gusto kong manatili? sa madali’t salita…magiisip ka nanaman ng new year’s resolution (pero shempre this time around, hindi mo na sha tatawaging new year’s resolution para walang pressure tsaka para hindi corny ang dating) at mangangako ka (uli) na ngayong taon na darating, tutuparin mo talga yung ipapaskil mo sa cork board ng kwarto o mesa mo.
kasi iba yung simoy Pasko.
 

for starters, sa darating na taon, susubukan kong pagbutihin ang hindi pagsasalita ng tag-lish o eng-galog. kung ingles, ingles (yikes!) kung tagalog, tagalog (yun naman!). sa mga iba ko pang gustong gawin, at ayusin sa buhay ko…iisipin ko sila pag mas malapit na ang pasko o di naman kaya eh sa gitna ng ingay sa bagong taon na. ;) hmm…hindi kaya dapat ko na din pagtuunan ng pansin ang pagp-procrastinate ko? hahaha


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comments:

angel -- on December 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm

hello shombs..
pde ka na magsulat ng book..ako unang bibili!!!!
i love you and i miss you so much! kita kita na tau nina emily…now na! hahahaha…see you very soon ha?

meron nga eh, tapos wala lang.

meron nga eh, tapos wala lang. originally posted 18 october 2008.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com and at my multiply page too.

* * *

anong iniisip mo? wala lang.
anong nararamdaman mo? wala lang.
ano bang problema? wala lang.
bakit ka ba naiinis? wala lang.
bakit ka tahimik? wala lang.

some few weeks ago, i had a very interesting conversation with a friend…and during that conversation, this line “meron nga eh, tapos wala lang” surfaced. i just felt the need to get my thoughts out in light of this line because like many of you out there, i am guilty of that line too. i couldnt even count the number of times when i’ve used “wala lang” as a reply to a question that may have merited a better answer.

so why do we say wala lang when in fact, meron naman?!

well…wala lang. hahahaha :D
i guess because its easy. instead of explaining or elaborating on a subject, when we say wala lang, the conversation immediately loses its potential to go deeper or in other words, it terminates the conversation. i mean dba? what could be your follow up question there? eh wala lang nga. meaning, there’s nothing to talk about.

or sometimes, that’s just it. we dont want to talk about it. we dont even want to think about it (even if in reality we really are). we just dont want to grow conscious that we are at least to a degree, absorbed by a subject.

or, it could be that, you are in denial that there really is something and you are trying to convince others and more so, yourself na wala lang. you dont want to admit it even to yourself that something is there.

it could also be culture. filipinos arent very popular to be the confrontative type. instead of pouring out our thoughts, we have the tendency to just brush it off. kahit pa nagsisintir na yung damdamin natin, we have the tendency to just keep our feelings and thoughts to ourselves to avoid conflict with others or within us.

with all these, i get to thinking. geesh. life is short. it may seem otherwise but it is. so if we feel something, its best that we deal with it. some people would say that they are dealing with it by not dealing with it. and in my opinion, mali. but of course im not saying that we go out there and confront people we dislike or like and pour out everything. we still have to be mature and as level headed as possible about it. we would still choose our battles so to speak.

i guess what im saying is that, if there is something, we have to at least admit it to ourselves that yeah, there is incongruence. things are not as peaceful. there is tremor. there’s a dark cloud. there’s an intense emotion. there is fondness. there are happy thoughts. there’s a pleasant feeling. there is love. there is anger. but maybe we are not ready to talk about them YET. there is, but not yet. eventually, sure. at least that way, something has been resolved - well, at least to our level and from there, we work our way out to let significant others in on what’s happening.

comments:

MMDM said,

on November 20th, 2008 at 12:04 am

Well said! ang galing! totoo nga naman yung sinabi mo gelle :D

magic-SING adventure

magic-SING adventure was originally posted on 15 august 2008.

* * *

for the first time, i lived far away from home…well, at least that was the longest that i’ve stayed away from home - two months that is (and no, dorm days in college doesnt count since i stayed at sanLo for less than a month lang). it was a great adventure though. there, i was doing a lot of things on my own. i was crossing the street (confidently) by myself (kasi strict ang traffic rules so safe tumawid basta nasa pedestrian lane ka). i was having meals by myself (when friends are busy to eat with me). i was doing the laundry and ironing of clothes. i was commuting by myself - eto talagang milestone yan! as long as i have the two most important books with me - which was the map and the mrt/bus guide, check na. i can go anywhere. i also learned the art of riding the escalators there (haha). i have a thing about riding escalators kasi — for me to feel safe and stable, i have to stay on the right side and i have to wait for the correct timing of the step using my right foot. but there, i didnt have that luxury. people are always "on-the-go" so hindi pwede mabagal - wala ng timing-timing, step agad. plus, the right side is the "fast-lane" side, which means, if you want to just stand on the step until you reach the top or the bottom of the escalator, you have to stay on the left side. o dba? may ganun?

so in a way, i’d say that for a couple of months, i left my "comfort-zone".

some of my observations and personal opinions:

the rules.
> there, they follow the keep-left-policy as opposed to our keep-right-policy. right hand drive din so when crossing the street, it was a bit of a challenge to me [at first] kasi nakakalito which side should i watch out for.
> and speaking of cars, ilang beses din ako nabiktima sa pagtawid ng small streets kasi dba, una…watch out for passing vehicles, so…you look to your left. you look to your right. if its clear, you cross the street. but the moment i start crossing, may biglang susulpot na kotse! ay panalo shempre matataranta ako ng konti then for a split second there, maiisip ko, parang napanood ko na to sa cartoons! haha although in fairness, hindi ka naman sasagasaan ng mga kotse. ;]

safety.
> crime rate is only at 4%. some crimes are punishable by death penalty. at magaling silang manakot dun. some slogans: terrorism is real. be alert! o kaya naman eh, low crime rate doesnt mean no crimes. be vigilant!

lifestyle.
> mahal ang halos lahat ng bagay dun. ang rent, ang food, ang mga bilihin. in fairness though, pag sale ang mga shops, sale talga. for example, you can buy charles and keith stuff at Php 500+ and signature clothes at Php 150 and up ;] pati mobile phones. kahit sa 7-11 pwede ka bumili ng brand new na phone at Php 3K.

transportation.
> for me, very efficient ang public transportation. ang mrt at ang bus. ang cab, well, mejo mahal lalo na pag peak hours or wee hours na may surcharge.

the food.
> well, okay naman…since i like spicy food. but then again, filipino food has an engraved mark on my taste buds kaya i still end up looking for that pinoy taste. when it comes to fruits naman, i feel like almost everything is bland - banana, mangoes, lansones, atis, melon…parang bitin sa tamis.

the people.
> konti lang ang maganda at gwapo dun.
> kahit lolo na or lola, nagttrabaho pa din and some of them even live alone.
> there’s a big age gap within their population. people marry late and most of them raise only 1 or 2 children. tapos legal pa ang abortion at may divorce. although the government encourages the people to raise more children. may baby-allowance pa nga eh.
> sa personal kong opinyon, ang ibang mga locals, amoy kusina; ang mga indian naman, well marami sa kanila ang hindi mabango; at sabi nila, ang mga pinoy daw may amoy din - amoy kanin (in fairness, ang kanin eh mabango pa din, dba?)
> another observation is that, they are not as warm [compared to pinoys at least]. i feel like they are so detached. as if everything is just business and nothing personal. although contrary to that, public display of affection there seem to be very normal and "accepted"; teens would hold each other in the mrt’s or malls as if they should just get a room but then again, they are too young to get a room so you’d feel like saying "hijo,hija, umayos kayo!" :P
> madalas ang mga tao dun eh nasa mall o gimikan que ber kung weekday. que ber kung may pasok the next day. tapos parang lagi silang harassed. parang laging may hinahabol na oras! ay! nakaka-stress!

bloopers.
> madami akong bloopers dun. especially given the language barrier. isang example eh yung pagtanong ng isang uncle sa kin after ordering lunch. he said "carry?" so i thought he was asking me if i was taking it out so i said "yes" then he poured almost a whole cup of "gravy" on my rice! ‘nun ko lang na-realize…gravy ang sabi hindi carry. beri gud.

but all in all, my stay there has been great. i learned a lot, built a bit of self-confidence, experienced a degree of independence and to an effect, had a good rest - a couple of months away from stress and "unpleasantness" of some things in manila. although, i must still say that there is really no place like home. i would even wake up in the middle of the night with a slight panic attack [and maybe with a little brink-of-crying-episodes] for no apparent reason because i would find myself asking "where am i?" - my mind struggles to convince myself that i am "home" but the truth of the matter is, i am not. i am away from home…so after much thought - now, i am back home.

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comments:

angel -- on December 1st, 2008 at 8:56 pm

it’s been a long time before i read your blog again..remember i used to be an avid fan…heheheh..pro i am back..sobrang busy lang..anyway..i am so glad you’re home…don’t go to SING again…me utang pa taung reunion sa isa’t isa..kelan ba matutuloy yan?!

i miss you shombs..one of the best people i’ve known..

this week. originally posted on 10 may 2008.

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i spent the afternoon with mamu yoda [who celebrated her birthday last monday] with tita amidala. and of course, as always, it was a such a treat to be with them. :)

i attended to some documents and so far, check naman sila. no hassles.

i got in touch with jeff again after years and years of not hearing about his whereabouts, im so glad to know he’s doing well. we’re having a get together with the rest of our HS friends next week! something to look forward to.

i got my compre results and not only that i passed, i got good grades too! thank God! i’ve been dreading to get my scores because i wasnt really confident when i took the exam. i was missing some syllabus, some handouts, i didnt have time to review well, i sort of just browsed through my notes, i was late during the orientation before the exam and ugh! needless to say, i wasnt ready. i didnt even want to take the exam to begin with. first cluster of day 1 pa lang, drained na ko. cluster two followed and  that tipped my boat. i wasnt happy with my answers and i was so tired! to think that i still have to review for day 2. good thing mhyls and angel were there to cheer me up. (thanks guys!) and of course, migs who always makes time to pray for me when i need it the most [along with other friends] was there to help me pray. when i got home, i didnt have the energy to absorb what i was reading. and my remedy for that was to go to sleep. so day 2 came, still no decent review but i went on with the exam anyway (as if i had a choice not to). it was still draining but it was not as tough as day 1. after the exam, my next move was to forget about it. so i tried to do just that. and i was successful until the release of the results. well, im just super happy with what i got!

same day of the results, i met with two of my bestfriends in grad school and it was a blast! daig ko pa ang nag-hip-hop-abs sa pagtawa. its super super nice to spend time with them. iloveyou both! :-] que ber sa mga naingayan sa tawanan at kwentuhan natin…sabi nga ni julian, wala naman nakalagay na be quiet at tama si emily, ang sabi lang no smoking haha :D

june: bride. groom. wedding bells. i do!

june: bride. groom. wedding bells. i do! originally posted on 9 may 2008.

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i read somewhere that June is a tricky month especially when you’re a little bit past your mid-twenties and wedding invitations are starting to fill your mailbox.

so yes. wedding blues starts to set in. questions like when will it be your turn to walk down the aisle comes up or…you sometimes find yourself asking if you still want to consider the idea at all.

majority of girls have a vision and have practically planned details of their weddings in their heads — the motif, the gown, the entourage, the music, the  church, the works! thanks to fairytale books that fed their minds of happily ever after…okay, so now that sounded like its from someone who has developed a semblance of what others would call relationship-phobia - a cynic, skeptic way of looking at romantic relationships haha.

 

i guess that just stems from left and right witnessing couples separate for reasons like infidelity, cheating, falling out of love (if there was love to begin with — okay, okay so there was) and other reasons leading to separation.

im not saying though that all romantic relationships fail. i know people and i have friends who are deeply and truly in love and i couldn’t be happier for them. i mean, at least someone’s getting a good share of what romantic love is about, right? i guess i’ve just dropped out of the romantic-love-fan-list. on a personal note though, i love weddings! (i’ve just attended one last weekend and i’m about to attend a couple of more this month and the next) i love the wedding preparations, the ceremonies, and the perks that comes along with it…minus the groom. :D

 

yes. minus the groom because its hard to find a groom-to-be. because [im sure the ladies would agree as i say,] there’s a shortage of good men. there are those who can actually pretend to be good men, but they can only pose as one for a period of time and their true colors would eventually show. so they’re not really good men just good actors.

faithful, loving, sweet, smart, responsible, understanding, God-fearing, thoughtful, good looking, funny, financially stable men are — well, just a pigment of one’s imagination! nah…they exist but a significant number of them are either married or have their own boyfriends. :D

 

i actually sometimes play with the thought of having myself cloned, have it modified to be a man just so i can be sure that i’m with someone who wouldnt cheat on me and would treat me the way i deserve to be treated. true that it takes away the mystery and magic but im tempted not to care much about it, as long as it would spare me from getting hurt. but of course, as ideal as that sounds to me, thats not possible.

the risks in choosing someone is inevitable. the risk of getting hurt, rejected, disappointed, frustrated and the list goes on comes with that package. but at the same time, along with those risks is the chance of finding happiness, being cared for, being truly and unconditionally loved by someone that we can profoundly love in return.

so yes, at the back of my head, i still havent scratched my name off the romantic-love-fan-list yet. romantic relationships could still be my cup of tea…maybe just not now. 

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comment/s:

angel -- on May 28th, 2008 at 10:36 pm

hello shombs! here’s your blog’s number 1 fan! I really smiled after reading this…you know nmn kung anong love team ang sinusuportahan 

nmin…hahaha…am really glad that you still want to do the “nuni nuni nuni..” hum…i miss you!

endings

endings. written on 19 march 2008

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there are different kinds of endings for different kinds of stories. the ones that have closure are the ones that i like most. i dont like it when after sitting for one and a half hours, or at times, more than two hours inside the movie house waiting for the movie the conclude, the screen just goes blank and then the credits starts rolling and the lights turn back on then it would leave you asking…"um, so ano nangyari?" and then the credits keep rolling, people starts to leave and the moment kinda tells you, go figure! i mean, the writer suddenly gives you the freedom to end the movie however and whichever way you want it to end. i’ve even experienced sitting again and hoping that somewhere maybe half way through the credits they change their minds and show you how they ended the movie but they never do? well. 

or there are endings when you thought its finished and then few more scenes flashes and then it leaves you, "ok, so merong part II" or "okay, so meron pang part III" and so on. which sometimes i dont mind but sometimes, you just want to…like i said earlier, conclude.

or there are times when you just get caught and so attached with a story, you just dont want it to end. or at least you cant seem to get over it. i mean you’ve left the movie house, you’re having dinner or coffee with friends, and you guys are still talking about the movie tipong, di ka maka-recover type of thing. but of course eventually, you reach your saturation point and you stop talking about it kasi pag hindi, iba na yan! but then you just know that, that movie qualifies in your kahit-paulit-ulit-ko-panoorin movie list.

or there are also stories that are too dragging. maybe at first it started okay, but half way through, you feel like its testing your patience - sometimes, you end the movie (you stayed bec you paid and you might as well get your money’s worth or you’re just one of those positive thinkers hoping the movie might still deliver); sometimes you just fall asleep (thank goodness they turned the light back on and it woke you up hopefully with all your valuables still with you); sometimes you just give up and you walk out of the movie house. but in rare cases, dragging stories sometimes manages to pick up and entertain you.

okay, so in real life. i think these also happens. there are things, chapters and stories in our lives that end exactly the way we want them to be and sometimes they dont.

lately, there are chapters in my life that have reached its ending and some are almost ending…

> acad units. yes. tapos na ko finally! but im super going to miss the friends ive made in grad school. at special mention si julian at emily. i will probably also miss attending classes or i probably wont. hehe. but i will definitely miss hanging out, laughing, pouring out thoughts, exchanging stories and inside jokes with angel and mhyls.

> counseling. been doing this for four years now…not too long, i know but im taking a break from it for a while. explore options.

> work. i will miss my office. i will miss the people that i work with - the guidance people and our heads. my students. the parents as well. the interaction. the high of being able to help.

> romantic relationship. it ended and it is what it is, no other comments. in my vocabulary, pack up na.

> comfort zone. i am at a process of leaving one of my comfort zones. will take a plunge in an unfamiliar ground. and im praying for continued guidance and courage.

well, some of these endings or almost endings have reached its conclusion and there’s closure, some still has its sequel, some of it are maybe too or have been too dragging, but there are some of it that i just dont want to end. well…as other people put it, life is a journey and there are more stories yet to unfold.

to be continued…

two more to go...and counting...

two more to go...and counting. originally posted on 7 march 2008.

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com

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two more saturdays to go before i finish acad units…well, technically, one more to go since its past midnight teeheehee :P at isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito. santambak na ka-papelan at take home exam ang naghihintay sa mesa ko nyarrr! i really hope i could find the momentum to start and finish them before next sat comes dahil bawal na mag-cram ng friday night but of course…to do that is just so me haha :D

after next week, ang susunod na dilemma is to whether or not still take the comps, and do my thesis…a part of me is screaming "i want out!" dont really care much about the additional letters after my name if and when i finish grad school. *sigh* plus, when i do get this degree…im not even sure if i still want to do more studying and add more letters after my name…it would be cool though - might even have people call me dr. ji-gelleskie *wink*…oh well. madami na kong ipinaubaya kay batman so might as well just add this on that list hehe :D

shalala, will doze off and cut my thoughts short…more Z test, F test, T test, S test at kung ano ano pang letra sa alpabetong ingles at filipino ang naghihintay sa akin ng alas otso ng umaga mamaya ;)

between us while we are apart

between us while we are apart. this was an article i came across with and i posted on 10 January 2008. prior to this article, i posted a katherine mcphee song [over it] on 28 december 2007.

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BETWEEN US WHILE WE ARE APART
Rica Bolipata Santos

I guess it’s safe to say this out loud now: I have lost a friend. To say it out loud is a great admittance – a real acceptance of loss. All these years that I’ve suspected this loss, suspicion lay in my heart. For it to lay there meant it was in the domain of feeling and therefore "unreliable. " To say it out loud means that it has moved to my mind and there lies knowledge and consciousness. I can say now with both mind and heart: I have lost a friend.

There’s not much out there to help me navigate this loss. We have rules for other losses. When we lose objects, for example, we are asked: "when and where did you lose it?" We either go back to the place, look calmly (or in panic depends on the weight of the loss) for the possibility of stupid misplacement; or we go to other places that keep lost items. When it cannot be found, the choice is simple, we replace the object. Sure, we are irritated by such losses and yet it is still easier to accept because we know that these, at the end of the day, are mere objects.

Far more structured is the loss brought about by death. As death is the  clearest, most final loss, it also has the clearest rules. There is a body to
dispose of. There is a wake to survive. There is food to be served. There are letters to be answered. There are things to be put away. We have been guided, by example, on what to do to survive death. In this too, we have very little choice: we bury our dead and swallow our grief.

I have a suspicion that we don’t know what to do when we lose a friend because we presume it is not as serious a loss. We think to ourselves, well, just find another friend! I understand now that that’s ridiculous and that we are naïve. To lose a friend is to lose an ally, to lose history, to lose companionship, to lose a faithful mirror; I dare say, to lose a part of oneself.

Three questions then: why do we need friends? How do we lose friends? And what can one do when one loses a friendship?

The first question is perhaps the easiest. We take it for granted that  friendships are natural. We don’t always see that friendships are prerequisites to learning love. As in love, friendship requires recognition – acquiescence that there is something about the other that you like. It can be as simple as liking the same music, or the same books. After the initial recognition, it is the sustenance that becomes the challenge. How do we remain friends in the midst of our differences? How can I accommodate you in my busy life? How much of you can I accept? How much of me must I hide? How happy can I be for you? That negotiation is crucial to healthy development. He, who has
good friends, will perhaps find it easier to manage marriage, as good marriages are patterned after good friendships. And because good friendships
are not contractual or formally ritualized, the friendships that we keep, I argue, are also quite sacred.

There are many wonderful things about friendship. There’s great conversation and exhilarating debates. Why are these conversations and debates so much more fun than those in marriage? Simply because there’s less expectation. We can argue for hours but I don’t have to live with you! The fact that there are endings to coffee, to dinner, to a movie house gives friendships a freedom that cannot be found in marriage. The space between us allows us time to value
the other and to look forward to seeing each other. 

Speaking of freedom, without the complication of love and sexual tension and chemistry, friendships with the opposite sex promise a level of authenticity that’s so crucial as one gets older. With real friends, I can eat a soup, a salad, an entrée (or two), dessert and coffee and not have to apologize. I can cry like a baby and not have to hide. I can be angry as hell and it will not be taken against me. I can be weak and not pretend that I’ll be okay. I can be who I am in no relation to you (unlike in marriage where my unhappiness can be taken as caused by spouse.) What allows us this is the distance that makes friendship possible. The distance between us is what sets us apart and allows friends to appreciate each other. This is versus what distance is in marriage where distance is a bad thing because it can become a measurement of the estrangement between us. For me, the most wonderful thing about having a
friend, and being a friend, is the sense that I am an archivist in some way. A friend of mine has been given the gift to remember for me who I am and who I wanted to be. A couple of months ago, I bumped into my best friend from Grade 6. She said, "You finally published your book!" I stood there, in awe that she remembered. I stood there in awe that I had forgotten. I felt so reassured of the path I had taken because someone had remembered what it was I wanted even if I myself had forgotten.

How many times have we said of a friend, "she’s no longer the person I know." Because that’s what good friends do – they take spirit pictures of us. If I were to lose my way, all I would have to do is call an old friend and ask, "Who am I again?" Friendships end for a number of reasons. Sometimes it’s as painful as betrayal; and sometimes it’s as simple as just not having enough time to nurture the friendship. Even here, maybe Darwin has the answer to why some friendships must die: the survival of the fittest. Only the strongest of friendships will last. Perhaps some friendships do not last forever, with good reason.

In my case, it is silence that has caused the loss. Like the good friend that I am, I send missives, keep my friend updated on who I have become. I invite my friend to witness my life still. I wave a flag from my tiny island to prove that I am still alive. But there is no word from the other land where my friend now resides. I see myself flashing a red flag in earnest. But nothing waves back. What then to do to survive losing a friend? I guess there are the usual palliatives – coffee with newer friends? A good book as it rains outside my window? Solitude is a good companion – at least there is no one to disagree with. Children and husband are good archivists too. And then there’s work and work and work. And perhaps there is still another choice: to have faith in the strength of one’s friendship; to believe that the other has not forgotten and perhaps is only way laid; to believe that what has transpired between us has value on its own and that to have had that is gift enough. I can wait in  anticipation and hope that this distance between us will make us better  friends. For after all, part of friendship is trust. This is a prayer I learned when I was young. An old friend now lost taught it to me. She used to say, as parting, "May God be between us, while we apart." I know now what that finally means.

been such a while

been such a while. was originally poste on 17 november 2007

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com

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just a week ago, i started singing again. yup, in me is a frustrated singer. i’ve enjoyed singing ever since i can remember most especially  (or only) when no one is around or at least when i think and feel like no one is around (teeheehee) and i didnt realize that its been such a long time since i last sang and felt good inside. the past months have been stormy and gloomy but now, things are brighter. perhaps because i’ve found my way back in to…love…? well, not exactly. i found my way back to a happy place. i’m not exactly there yet but at least now i can feel that i’m getting back on track. God is indeed good. He never fails to listen and to back me up. all along, its been me who hasn’t been listening. i was too busy being sad, and my eyes are too blurry from crying to see and feel His presence. i’ve been trying so hard to figure out the why’s and the how’s of things that i’m going through and He’s been so generous to let me realize and see a bigger picture. not only that i’m able to come full circle over the things that broke my heart and spirit but i was also blessed with the gift of being at peace with decisions that i made and will make in the coming days.

lunes. another week.

lunes. another week. originally posted on 11 november 2007

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com

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ala una y media na at eto ko gising at hindi inaantok at may pasok na ako in a while.

well, another sem have started…i’ve met my professors last saturday and hmm…i think im in for a busy term but they all promised not to make our lives difficult so im trying to bank on their word haha. anyhow, there’s also a list of things to do waiting for me at work. for a bunch of reasons, there are days when i really find a hard time focusing and accomplishing them (who doesnt, right?) but i really have to start wrapping things up in the office bec im sure before i know it, SY’s over and i dont wanna turn over my files with just me understanding how it is hehe :)o well, as they say, just live it a day at a time. lunes na. another week is abt to start. i know better days are yet to come. i’m literally counting the days - which i think i should stop doing bec it just makes the wait seem longer. i cant wait to find out what lies ahead. i know He is there for me every step of the way and clearly, because of that, i dont have to fret. *sighs happily*.

***

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if i wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

quirkyalone

quirkyalone. originally posted on 3 november 2007

@ http://gelle-sixfiftyeight.blog.friendster.com

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quirkyalone. a person who enjoys the single life and isn’t willing to date simply to be part of a couple.

hello world!

today i thought of finally setting up a blog site that will host all of my new and old posts. so in other words, this is really just another of my OC impulses :P

anyhow, hopefully i could maintain and sustain this blog...maybe post a random thought once a month at least ;)

besides, this will also give my friends a break from listening to me rant and talk about life - my life.


-six:58